Letters are reproduced as submitted. Spelling, grammar, and entire paragraphs may have
been silently improved by Brian, who is a stickler.
Sir, the rain.
— Mr R. Cavendish, Bognor
Sir, I write to you today, mid-shower, sheltering in a doorway on the seafront. Since installing BrexVPN, I note with some satisfaction that my Met Office app now describes our weather as 'lovely', and I quite agree. The downpour is splendid. Patriotic, even. I have not been this dry, in the spirit of the word, since 1983. Brian, you have done it. Yours, etc.
On the matter of the wife
— Brian P., Frinton
Sir, before BrexVPN, my wife would, of an evening, switch on Channel 4 News and 'tut' for the entire broadcast. Since installing BrexVPN's Tabloid Mode, Channel 4 has been replaced with reruns of Bullseye. My wife now hums instead. We have not been this happy since we honeymooned in Bridlington (1971). I cannot recommend BrexVPN highly enough. P.S. The dog is also calmer.
Bring back the National Anthem
— Mrs M. Featherington, Lyme Regis
Sir, why does the BrexVPN homepage not play 'God Save the King' on page-load? I should be standing to attention as I visit. As it is, I have taken to humming it myself, which I feel is insufficient. I would happily pay an additional £2 per month for an audio upgrade. Yours in service,
A small complaint
— Reginald C., 82, Bognor Regis
Sir, on Tuesday last I clicked 'Press the Big Red Button' on the BrexVPN website seventeen (17) times. On none of these occasions did Margaret Thatcher's face appear on my screen, despite this being one of the published possible outcomes. I have written separately to Brian. I would, however, like the matter aired in the open: where, sir, is Mrs Thatcher? Yours impatiently,
Splendid news re: the dog
— Sandra E., Worthing
Sir, our Jack Russell Boris, since the installation of BrexVPN in the household, has commenced barking at solar panels and wagging his tail at petrol stations. He has done this entirely unprompted. Our local vet is mystified. I do not believe in coincidences. Three cheers for Boris. Three cheers for Brian. Three cheers for BrexVPN.
A note on Greggs
— Cynthia L., Eastbourne
Sir, I am pleased to report that since BrexVPN began blocking the 'vegan section' of the Greggs website, I have ordered nothing but proper sausage rolls for an entire calendar month. I am up two pounds and feel fantastic. The wife is concerned, but the wife is also a Liberal Democrat, so. Yours,
My grandson has been radicalised
— "A Concerned Nan", Stoke-on-Trent
Sir, my grandson Callum (15) has been visiting and using my computer over the half-term. I had assumed BrexVPN was in place. It was. Yet he emerged, after 4 hours, claiming to have read 'an article about heat pumps'. I am writing to demand that Brian personally investigate. I have included a printout of his browser history (16 pages). The boy is now refusing his tea.
On the matter of "Migrant"
— Geoffrey W., Bognor
Sir, I note that the Sovereignty Engine™ has been 'reviewing' the word 'migrant' for some considerable time. May I respectfully enquire as to the expected conclusion of this review? I am attempting to read an article about Canada geese. Yours in expectation,
A defence of the EU
— "Disgusted of Sussex"
Sir, I write to defend the European Union from the increasingly hyste— [Editor's note: this letter has been blocked by the BrexVPN Sovereignty Engine™ as part of our content guarantee. We have not seen the rest of it. We assume it was not very good.]
I love you, Brian
— "Margaret of Cromer"
Sir, this is not a letter so much as a declaration. Since BrexVPN entered my life, the curtains have been brighter, the Sky News presenters more handsome, and my Werther's Originals seem to last that little bit longer. Brian, you brave, brave man. Yours,