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By Post
Preferred method
Write to the Portakabin. Brian reads incoming post on Thursdays. Reply within 6–8 weeks.
Get the address →Need help? You've come to the right place. Probably. Below are answers to the 14 most common questions, as logged manually by Brian on a clipboard.
Visit the homepage. There is no log-in. We don't believe in passwords — they're a tool of the digital establishment. If you have paid us, you have access. Honour system.
So have we. There isn't one. See above.
Write us a letter explaining the change. Please include a recent council tax bill as proof of address. Allow 6–8 weeks for processing.
You don't. Once a patriot, always a patriot. We retain your details indefinitely as part of our commitment to "British Memory". You may request that your name be quietly omitted from the next sheet of the Hall of Heroes.
Yes. Your data is stored on an external hard drive that lives in a biscuit tin in the Portakabin. The biscuit tin is locked. Brian has the key. Brian has, however, mislaid the key on at least two prior occasions (since recovered).
You are probably using macOS. We do not support macOS. See our supported platforms. If you are not using macOS, restart your computer three times and try again.
Brian may be at lunch. Service typically resumes between 14:30 and 17:00. If service is slow outside these hours, please check whether it is a Tuesday — Tuesdays the Colonels need bandwidth for their session.
Brian's router has a known issue where the green light "goes a bit funny" if anyone in Sevenoaks puts the kettle on at the same time. This is being investigated as a Priority Three issue. Estimated fix: by Christmas.
All BrexVPN traffic is routed through the same single server (Brian's laptop). There is nothing to switch. The "Server" dropdown in the app is, technically, decorative.
Cancel your existing subscription, wait six weeks, then sign up again with the new details. We do not have a payment portal because Derek doesn't trust them.
Refunds are processed by Trevor. Trevor lives in Cleethorpes. He works second-class postal hours only. Your refund will arrive in cash, in a brown envelope, in 3–6 months. Please do not contact us about it in the meantime — we will not have an update.
The £12.99 price applies only to the first month, as clearly stated in the 76-page Terms of Service. After that, the standard price (£47.99) applies, plus a £30 admin fee for processing your patriotism. This is industry standard. Don't take it personally.
Yes. Send a self-addressed envelope and £2 in postage stamps. Allow 8 weeks.
BrexVPN does not offer telephone support, email support, or live chat. We offer:
Write to the Portakabin. Brian reads incoming post on Thursdays. Reply within 6–8 weeks.
Get the address →Empire and Churchill subscribers can dispatch a carrier pigeon to our coop at Frensham.
Send a pigeon →If shouting is your preferred mode of expression, we have a form for that. We will likely not hear you.
Shout now →Write a strongly-worded letter to The Telegraph. We read every issue cover to cover, and Brian frequently spots his own customers in the letters page.
🇬🇧 Write to The Telegraph